Going on hiatus

I’ve decided that I’m going to take time out of being on here. I feel like I express myself and my life on here so much that I don’t spend time actually sorting out my personal issues in real life. For instance, my relationships with people.

I  feel like, with a lot of people as well on here. We find its a good feeling to have an outlet to be who you are and gain support on here without fearing people are judging you because you’re behind a computer screen. Thank you for your support, and I always appreciate it and it always brings a smile to my face that I’m doing something right in my life. 

However, in real life it’s not the same thing. It’s different, I’m very closed and private which is due to anxiety fearing things will slip out of my hands. I don’t want to spend my life hiding a vulnerable side to me on the computer. Because there will not always be a therapist to go to and there won’t always  be Tumblr to blog on. 
I want to take time out to be able to build courage to be open with people and to spend time focusing on building tangible, honest relationships with people and sorting out my personal issues. 

I don’t really know how long I’m going to be on hiatus for, but I hope you guys still follow me until I come back and respect my decision.

Thank you

Xoxo

Getting what I wanted.

Today I weighed myself and I weighed 71kg and I wanted to weigh in the middle of the healthy BMI zone about 65-70kg so I should be happy. Truth is, I looked at the scale and didn’t feel happy. At all.

This week I relapsed and I didn’t tell anyone, even though I had the opportunity several times to ask for help from people who care about me. I didn’t, because I feel really insecure and ashamed about it. And I still have the idea of not saying anything prevents problems and so I can fit in. So no one knew about what was really wrong.

Because yes, I avoided having to be vulnerable with people and showing a different side which is what afraid of and I lost weight so I fit better in my clothes which is all I wanted, yet it feels like its nothing. Now I’m questioning if any of it was worth it because I feel unhappier than before even though I got what I wanted and everything is seemingly perfect. At the end of the day, no matter how hard you do something for society to fit in, or for somebody else you’re stuck with by yourself with your own emotions.

Heartache.

In pain, and filled with shame and regret.

My heart is heavy today…

This is just ridiculously overwhelming and stressful that I just feel shameful and embarrassed.

The other day, I couldn’t hack it; previously I could cover it up and act fine until the end of the day till I got home.I don’t really know what happened to me but I don’t have the mechanism to hold back, cover up and numb it out. So practically through the whole day, I would randomly cry and be unable to block it out - I know it didn’t help blatantly lying that I was fine even though it was so obvious I wasn’t, so I had to leave school, buy some sunglasses, went to the park and just sat there crying for two hours. 

I’m way too young to feel this old and burdened. 

I’m not doing so good right now

I’m taking a blogger break for a while…
Bye guys xoxo

I had one of the best school trips ever

I was a lot more confident and happier within myself. It was really blessing to be in an atmosphere where everyone was happy and enjoying themselves and I wasn’t on the outside looking in but was part of it and didn’t feel so insecure about myself. 

Yet, I still dealt with anxiety everyday, I handled it well that it didn’t get in the way. I had to take time out of one lesson to go to the bathroom and do deep breathing exercises to calm down because I found it overwhelming and rationalize my thoughts when something was making me feel insecure or stressed, then I had to go on a run to calm myself down because I felt myself slipping and started feeling shaky due to stress.

That’s the thing, about this ‘recovery’ - I don’t think it ever will go away and be magically ‘cured’ but it was manageable enough that it didn’t disrupt me having a good time. I still had a really good weekend with great memories and good friends. I just picked myself back myself back up where I left off and didn’t let it stop me living my life and making the most out of it.

That’s a hell of a lot better than how I was 2 years ago, at least I knew how to cope with it on my own in the middle of nowhere than on the verge of having a panic attack wanting to go back home under my covers.

It took a lot of work to get me where I am today and thank God for that. 

Very excited for the future at the moment and all the amazing things coming up in the next couple of months :)